Secrets to Dealing with a Dragon – part 2

Well you would think that a 15 page Minutes of Settlement agreement would be thorough enough to prevent any further discussions between two parties on issues like child access and support. But apparently when you are a Dragon nothing is ever enough and there will always be a bone of contention.

The Minutes of Settlement are so black and white a child could read it and walk away with a clearer understanding of what was agreed upon than a manipulative malicious Dragon could.  There really should be no issue. But within one week of the agreement being written disputes were being brought forth by the Dragon. As Max’s lawyers office very elegantly stated “the ink isn’t even dry!”

She questioned aspects of the access. She questioned aspects of the support. The demands and issues kept coming.

In mediation the mediator clearly stated that with this very detailed agreement there really should be very minimal contact between the two parties. She also suggested that the parties should communicate by email only, and on that regard, once a week would be sufficient. She saw no reasons for phone calls or in person discussions, especially in light with the Dragons need to engage in conflict with Jessie present. These in person or over phone discussion should be far and few in her eyes.

But apparently the Dragon thrives on conflict.  Like a vampire, her blood is conflict. But I am sorry Dragon dear, Max and I really do not care to feed your need for drama. So bring on the boundaries.

In a very clear and detailed email the following were outlined.

Phone calls

Max made it clear he wanted no more phone calls from Dragon.  She has proved time and time again that she is incapable of a human conversation. She degrades Max and she manipulates and bombards the conversation.  So why would he want to engage in chat with you Ms. Dragon? Unless it is an emergency with regards to Jessie, don’t call the house! Put it in an email otherwise. And if it is an emergency, details as to what that emergency is need to be left on the machine message, at which point Max can call her back.  No “it’s about Jessie, call me.” Nice try. Not going to fall for that one.

If Jessie wants to call, have her. She can also leave a message and Max can call her back.

Emails

No daily bombard of issues please. Once a week send your concerns or questions. If more than that, they won’t be responded to. They will be responded on one day, unless an emergency.

On that, very often Max has had to say on an issue that this in my one and only response on this issue and after this, I will not respond to any more emails on this issue.  It is like dealing with a child really!

Pick up and drops offs

Max refuses to go to the door for picks ups and drop offs anymore. Why would he when he is yelled at, abused, ridiculed, all in front of Jessie. How is that healthy for either? He now sits in the car and waits for Jessie at pick up time. And for drop off, stands by the car as she walks up to the door. She waves back when she sees her mom.

All of these have all helped really. We hear from her less. And if we do get a call or she emails, there is plan for boundaries. We feel like there is some control over the situation, she is not the one controlling us as she wishes she could.  It is refreshing really.

While the list of boundaries grows and grows by the day, we are figuring it all out. She only has control if we let her.   

Spotting a Dragon

In my place of work I was manipulated and exploited by a Dragon. I didn’t know she was a Dragon at the time. Only through my readings and experiences with my Dragon friend Carmen have I now been able to look back and say I was prey to a Dragon at work.

I was the new girl and was wooed by one of my colleagues. She and I became good friends. Red flags should have gone up but they didn’t. She was so charismatic I was blinded by the truth. She gossiped about every person in the than small organization than turned around and chatted with them the next moment, laughing and carrying on as if she saw no issue with them. Issues would arise within the organizational system. Fingers would be pointing at her as suspect, but she was so convincing and conniving that she would slither her way out of the spot light with no repercussions. The issue would be swept under the carpet and you would be left wondering what ever happened to that issue that arose.  

Than one day I was left shaking my head wondering what happened. Unbeknownst to me, the Dragon at work was now bad mouthing me to all my colleagues. Suddenly everyone in our small building was not speaking to me.  I felt so alone and confused. I wracked my brain trying to sort out what I did to make everyone so upset with me. 

The truth all came out months later at a meeting. The Dragon at work was not in attendance. I believe that my colleagues suspected that I had been exploited as they got to know me and questioned the truth of what the Dragon at work was suggesting. They spewed all the lies she told about me. I was astonished. I reassured them that what she has said is not true. But I knew that their heads were spinning wondering who and what to believe. That is the Dragon effect. In time the truth did all prevail.

I still question how I allowed myself to be exploited and manipulated like I was. How could I have been so foolish? I never saw it coming. I still don’t understand why she did what she did. Perhaps like a vampire she sunk her teeth into her new prey, got what she needed and released me when she needed me no longer.  

My experiences in dealing with my Dragon friend – Carmen – have helped me better deal with the Dragon at work. I never did confront her on why she lied liked she did. This attempt would go nowhere as she would deflect and pass blame, admit no wrong and twist the truth. I also learned you do no not confront a Dragon directly or you risk a rage. I ensure I document every conversation and request and do not entrust any information with her.  When she talks friendly I remain guarded. In essence, she may seem kind on the surface because of her charismatic ways, but don’t fall victim – she is evil, conniving, and manipulative. She cares about one person and that person is her. So protect yourself.

I suppose at the end of the day, spotting a Dragon is not easy. Their public persona is so magnetic you are not left to suspect any issue. It is only after you are left victim that you shake your head and ask yourself what happened and what could I have done different. I would like to say that if I were to come across another Dragon in my life I would be able to spot it. I am not certain I could. It is only after you have entrusted in them that the true qualities of narcissism emerge. At that point, often it is too late.

Max fell victim to the Dragon. He was young and entrusting and it was only after some time in his relationship with Carmen did he see he was a victim. This new man that Dragon has met will soon see the private persona prevail and will too become victim. I somewhat feel bad for him, almost want to warn him to run. But the magnetic persona of a narcissist will blind him to the truth and will not likely believe any warnings. He will have to find out the truth for himself.

Spotting a Dragon is not an easy task. They are masters of their art. 

Life Lessons

My Dragon Moment

Be careful not to do something permanently stupid because you are temporarily angry, stressed, scared, tired or hungry. by Karen Salmansohn

I was told in counseling not to react, as when you react she wins.  Easier said than done, but for the most part, have done well.  But one day in a moment of weakness I had a most memorable Dragon moment.

The Dragon came over to the house to discuss with Max the access schedule for the year.  I was home from work early and was upstairs hiding, waiting for Blair to wake up from his nap – at which point I planned to escape. Being in the Dragon presence disturbs me.

Soon after my Dragon friend arrives she goes into one of her narcissistic rants over child care costs. She presented a receipt for before-school child care, costs incurred on 10 separate days, from the month of December. She demanded Max pay his portion of it and now! Max reminded her that he had already indicated that he was not going to pay for before-school child care when he is available.  On his calculations, he was only unavailable 2 days when he was at work.

“You could drop Jessie off at my place as opposed to child care. It would be no extra time for you and Jessie can be with her dad as opposed to a stranger. It is not financially responsible to use child care when I am around the corner” Max explains.  Remember, Max and the Dragon lives in the same small town whose outskirts entail a 5 minute hike by car. She immediately goes into a rant over what she does on her time is her business. Exactly! If you choose to put Jessie in child care on your time, well that is your business, so don’t make it ours! If you want to be so foolish to enroll Jessie into before-school care when you have to go to work as opposed to her being with her own Father and him getting her to school,  well than you go right ahead. Clearly you care more about your need for control than you do about Jessie or about being financially responsible. 

“You have to pay it Max” she yells.  He reads aloud the statement from their Minutes of Settlement that says that she is not to incur a special expense cost without his prior written consent.  He states he only consents to pay for the portion of child care when he is unavailable. She continues her rant.

All the while I am upstairs stewing as I hear her make her ridiculous demands and fails to listen to one word Max is saying. She wants her money and she will argue her points without any other consideration until she gets what she wants. 

The next comments set my blood boiling. “Call your lawyer Max, get her to straighten it out.” It is straightened out Dragon! The agreement could not be any clearer. And more importantly, if you have an issue, you call your lawyer. You can straighten out your concerns on your dime, not ours.

At this point Max attempts to suggest that the conversation is going nowhere and how about they move on to discuss what the meeting was initially set for – finalizing the access schedule for the year.  Well there was no way Dragon was going to move on until she had her way. “I am not going to discuss the schedule until you give me my money!” she yells.

My blood boils more, to the point of volcanic eruption.

I hear Blair. He is waking from his nap. A small distraction from the drama I am hearing.  I go and get him from his bed and decide to go down stairs to get him some milk before heading out.  

Well I have since learned do not enter the Dragon sphere when your volcano is about to erupt as her flaming presence will only spark the final blow.

I walk by her and Max at the kitchen table with Blair in my arms. I suggest to Max that if Carmen has an issue with the wording in the agreement that it should be her that contacts her lawyer as she is clearly the one with the issue. She says at this point that she doesn’t have a lawyer. Well Max and I know better, she still on record does, as she still owes over $8000 to her, she just doesn’t want to have to spend another dime – she expects us to. I look at her and say “well than I suggest you figure it out because we sure as hell aren’t going to spend another dime.”  She viciously says in response “mind your own business! This is between Max and I”.  “It is my business” I respond “when it is our money that you are wanting to F*%! foolishly spend”.   There was my Dragon moment - uttering the “F” word with Blair in my arms.

And there begins the Dragon feeding off my moment of weakness. “Wow, look at you swearing with a baby in your arms, isn’t that a sight to see”. Screw you Dragon. You are judging me? You are kidding right?

“Please, he is 15 months old, he won’t remember. But Jessie on the other hand, she will remember every nasty word you have said about me and her father.”  I continue. “Well there you go. Why don’t you tell all your little buddies at the Casino about how I swore in front of my child just like you told them all about me being pregnant? And while you are at, why don’t you tell them about us losing our baby, they might as well all be updated on our life since you think it is your business to share!” That was my Dragon rant.

Max stands up and calls enough. I take Blair downstairs to get out of sight, before I do something else stupid that I will regret. Blood boiling. Head pounding. Anxiety through me. I am angry. I am disturbed. More than anything, I feel I failed. I feel regret.

Well as the counselor said to me, your reaction is what she wants. When you react she wins. She won. I failed. And she gloated in the fact that I did. We are still hearing about it. Email after email about how Nicole uttered all these profanities, and poor innocent Blair, oh my do I feel bad for him…I am terribly concerned she acts like this in front of Jessie… The pathetic exaggeration of the facts and the dramatization of its aftermath made me ill. Like you care about Blair; remember you suggested he was the prodigy of a trapping and perhaps not even the son of Max. Suddenly you care? And way to deflect your pathetic mother-of-the-year qualities onto me by suggesting I am some sort of threat to Jessie. Are you kidding me? You what to know how many times I have had to bite my tongue to the point I could taste blood in my mouth when Jessie would tell me something my Dragon friend you said or did. I always take the high road. You on the other hand???

At the end of the day, I did react, and I did so in front of my son. I made a mistake. The difference Dragon is I have regrets, I feel apologetic, I have remorse. I will learn from this mistake and make every effort I can to not repeat it. Can you say that for yourself? I would like to say no as the same patterns continue: the same exposure of Jessie to conflict, your need to demean her innocence because of your insecurity, the same need for control at any expense even if that means the sacrificing of your own young.

I know my head that day was not in the right place, my body still drained from my miscarriage I had less than a week prior.  With that said, I am not one to make excuses. I am human, and I made an error. And that I accept.

Go ahead and gloat Dragon. If it makes you feel better to revel in my mistake to minimize yours in your eyes, let me be your escape.

Dragon must have went home that day and told Jessie that I yelled her The next time Jessie was over she told me that her mom doesn’t like me as I yell at her. But she quickly remarked…”Nic, you don’t yell.”

Those that matter know the truth.  Even a 5 year old girl can see through your performance my Dragon friend. 

Normal vs. Abnormal People

Let the Abuse Continue…And Deny it

Quote From Dragon to Max (I have bolded the parts I want to draw the readers eye to):

“Jessie is not in conflict when you come to the door. Yes, I would like for Jessie to see us communicating and saying Hi to each other in the near future. I welcome this.

As a parent I do not think it is safe to allow Jessie to walk alone to your vehicle.  For this reason, I am not sending Jessie out the front door alone.  You are welcome to come to the door and get her.  Again, when you come to get her, please come to the door, I will NOT send her out alone.  It is unsafe.  I like always will not say a word to you.”

This comes as a response to Max indicating that he refuses to come to the door at the Dragon Den upon pick up and drop off. This is not a demand that came spontaneously as a result of him not wanting to see her ugly face.  It is a result of several incidents at the door whereby Jessie is thrown into the line of fire by her own Mother. And Max had enough. He needed to protect Jessie and this boundary was one means of doing so. This was the latest incident that led him to draw this boundary in Jessie’s defense.  

Max goes to pick Jessie up at the Dragon Den. Couple days before the Dragon had mentioned that she had some paper work for Max and he also had some paperwork for her to review and sign. He notified Dragon the night before that instead of picking Jessie up at 8a.m. he would come 10 minutes early so they could sign paperwork and still be timely for Dragon to get off to work.

He shows up on her doorstep ten minutes to eight as suggested. She opens the door and begins her raging rant, with Jessie standing right beside her. She was mad that Max didn’t pick up the phone the night before and she made sure she expressed viciously how angry she was that he did not respond to her call. He reminded her that no message was left and what the issue anyway.  She was mad that he missed Mother’s day on the schedule he drafted. Innocent oversight he said, it can be adjusted.

 After she ranted for 5 minutes she angrily tells Max that he is not getting Jessie until 8a.m. as per the schedule, she pulls Jessie into the house from the door and slams the door in Max’s face. Jessie could be heard behind the door saying “Dad, Mom said you can’t take me yet sorry.” Jessie than runs over to the front window and waves at her dad who is standing on the front porch, in frigid January temperature. Promptly at 8a.m. the door opens and out comes Jessie.

Despicable really.  Endless examples of Dragon failing to see how she is abusing her own daughter by throwing her in the line of fire and involving her in adult conflict. Her job as a Mother is to protect and shelter her daughter from conflict NOT throw her in the middle of it. Dragon doesn’t care, she cares about one person – herself.

Oh, and for the record. Max didn’t miss Mother’s Day on the schedule. Dragon was looking at the wrong day. He had it right. Worth all the upset wasn’t it Dragon.

Back to the beginning of my entry: “Jessie is not in conflict when you come to the door. I like always will not say a word to you.”

These words in an email from Dragon came within 1-week of the incident described. Is she in denial? Is it that she rages and her mind goes black and truly does forget her words and actions?

So than my question to Dragon is...what is more unsafe? Jessie having to walk from her Dad's vehicle up to the home and waving back when she sees her Mother inside OR having to walk up with her Dad to the door and being exposed to Dragon rage? 

I choose the later. 

Would you expect any different?

So after the latest Dragon drama, I was rehashing the incident with my sister, both of us shaking our head at her irrationality. Her response: “Would you expect any different?”  No, and how sad is it that we expect disapproval and when nothing does happen we wonder why.

This realization came after Max did Jessie’s nails – adhering fake nails at Jessie’s request, from her nail kit she got for her birthday months back. Jessie was thrilled with her new look, flashing her fingers in the air going on about how long and sparkly they were.

An hour or so later off she goes back to her Mother’s Den. I didn’t even predict the outcome; heaven-for-bid I did not prepare myself for a Dragon drama!

Max isn’t home yet from driving the 2-minutes across town. Phone rings from the Den. I ignore it. He walks in the door and I immediately ask what happened at drop off. “Nothing he says. Sent Jessie up to the door and drove off. Why?”  

At this point I had not listened to the message that was left so was as curious as he was.

I listen to the message and it is Jessie. She is rambling on about how she is in the bathroom, that her mom doesn’t like her nails and wants them off and that her Mom wants to know how to take them off. She repeats herself a couple times before she says “I love you Caden, Nic, Blair and Daddy” and hangs up.  I relay the message and suggest that he listen – he refuses.  He hung his head “poor Jessie”.

Not even in the door 2 minutes and Jessie is being harassed by her Mother, being punished for an innocent act. No welcome home I missed you, how was your time at Dads?  Rather thrown directly into conflict, Dragon flames of rage – over nails.

Poor girl. Had I predicted that her Mother would throw a fit than I would have never have allowed her to go to her Mom’s with the nails on.

At which point my sister’s response – “Would you expect any less?”

She was right. Anything and everything is a source of conflict for the Dragon. At any point she can blow over the most innocent unassuming things. So you just have to expect it and be pleasantly surprised when she doesn’t explode.

The next day I did my own experiment. It had been years since I had put on fake nails so thought I would assess how difficult it truly is to remove them. So I adhered a few to my nails and waited an hour or so.  I than soaked my nails under warm water than one by one used a little bit of nail polish around the edge of the nails and presto, off the nails came.  I used a little bit of remover to eliminate any little bit of remaining glue. Good as new.  

In my Dragon friend’s defense, perhaps she has never removed fake nails before? Perhaps she was truly at a loss for how to remove the nails? And she thought it would be wise to have her daughter research the answer as opposed to using her own Internet that she has available to her on her phone and home computer?

Sarcasm.

Mountains out of mole hills. That is what she does best. Would you expect any less?